You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
