I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
