The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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