paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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