Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
