I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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