The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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