I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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