It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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