I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
