I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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