anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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