yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
