Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
