i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
