Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
