Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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