help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
