before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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