Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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