bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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