FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
