You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
