I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
