I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
