So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
