You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
