god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Randomize
