She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
