I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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