So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
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get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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