They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
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everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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