Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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