we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
