Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
are you so shy because you have an std?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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