I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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