Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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