i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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