chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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