would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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