well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
