I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
