Your dad touched me again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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