only you would photoshop your dick
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
