My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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