I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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