I wanna bring you to show and tell
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
