and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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