o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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