why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
