Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
