She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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