Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How does one acquire holy water?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
