If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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