that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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