He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
