fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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