Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
