Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
