I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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