The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
