the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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