i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
