This is not my ceiling
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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