how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
