There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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