Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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